I need to get back to writing out my feelings. My emotions have been all over the place and I’m not myself. I’ve made some horrible decisions as of late and hurt people I care… More
Wow… so much to catch up on. Kids, life, sports, racecars…so much!!
First up swimming!! Y’all my daughter is pretty amazing! She has a chance to go to camp with college coaches from across the US next month. She’s determined to go and determined to raise the money for camp herself. She’s started a gofund me campaign and a bonfire t-shirt campaign also.
Her shirt is pretty amazing! Hoodies, kid shirts, tank tops, v-neck tops, basic tees..you name it, she has a style for it.
If you want to buy one, basic tees and kid tees start at 12.00! You can get one of these awesome shirts at www.bonfire.com/just-keep-swimming/.
Yes this momma is kind of biased but I’m so proud of her for her hard work trying to raise her own funds. Because let’s be honest y’all, 225.00 for camp + gas + food for lunch/dinner is a huge expense!
It’s such a catastrophic mess right now. Trust issues to the point where we slept with pillows between us last night. Financial problems (my fault) to where we might loose our house, insurance cost through his work lowered our income by almost 5k last year, PATH Act means no income return until at least the 15th or later. Kids aren’t speaking to me, ex husband isn’t paying child support, I have kids who need things. Church is non-existant. Felt so alone a few months back and asked for help and none came. But I’m more worried about a place to live. I screwed up big time & I dont know how to fix this. I love this house and can’t move again.
I’m tired of no money, I’m tired of good things coming our way to where we can start to breathe and it being taken away because someone doesn’t like it. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of so many things. I’m tired of my faith being tested on so many levels for so long.
I’m angry for not being able to provide for the kids. I’m angry for not being able to give the kids things they want. I’m tired of not feeing connected or cared for a church.
When will it end? I’m starting to not care. I have presents under the tree and all I can see is the bills due next month. So I want to return them all.
Why us? Why me? All the time…. I hate feeling like a failure.
To many emotions today.
For 8 months my husband and I have put our lives on hold. Our marriage went on hold, our relationship. Our kids put their lives on hold while we had to deal with the crap shoot of SSI, Medicare/Medicaid, dr visits, special Olympics etc for his mom and sister.
Now his mom goes to his dad’s for a weekend, comes back pissed off and is leaving, taking his sister from a stable environment and sticking us with a 1295 monthly rent payment. I’m going to be sick.
We have no option but for me to get a job, but how can I get a job with three kids? Their schedules are crazy! We can’t afford daycare. I want to throw up.
G-d help us!!
Quiet…. That’s when the questions start. The why? How? When? What? Is it over? The questioning on what we do and how we move forward.
The anger… The advice from people saying leave or she not worth it. Making us question our worth as a couple and as a family. Making him question his worth as a man.
It takes a strong man to stay and work things out. It takes a strong man to walk against convention and the world and fight for his family. To fight for his kids and risk getting hurt again.
I’m not expecting perfection. Our love story isn’t perfect. G-d’s love story with us isn’t perfect either. It’s full of messy broken people, promises and filled with hurt. Our hurting for HIM and HIM hurting for us. It’s a beautiful story of redemption that begins and the foot of a scared tree. Chopped down and torn apart into something painful and tragic. Made beautiful by the love HE has for us.
Amd THAT gives me HOPE!!
Yesterday my son asked me why I didn’t try as hard to save my marriage to his biological dad as I am to his step-dad….. Best answer I could come up with was you didn’t want me too. G-d saved us from a horrible situation there & you didn’t want it to work out. Here? Now? This was and still can be a great marriage. Momma just royally messed it all up and it’s going to take a lot of work for us to save it.
Right now that’s prayer. No matter how small the changes are they are still changes. We are still under the same roof, he’s still sleeping in the same room/bed with me. His feelings are justified and I’m dealing with the consequences on a daily basis.
I deleted people and apps that are issues, I don’t go ANYWHERE alone, my phone is not mine but can be read by anyone.
Prayer is my armor and I’m ready for my battlefield. I have ladies and people I trust fighting for us in prayer and we will win the war. The battles will be hard and long. But we will win!
I wrote this at 1030pm last night.
Tonight I will keep my hands on him and pray.
I pray for his heart and mine too. I pry for our marriage, for our kids. I pray for bitterness to leave. I pray for soft hearts, grace, and mercy.
The bunny in the corner and the two kids not shown give me strength. They are worth fighting for. Our love story is a great one and it’s not over by a long shot!
Our love and life is worth fighting for!!
Writing…. Somedays it’s easier for me than others. Writing, reading, praying for grace and undeserved mercy and forgiveness, & running is what I need to be doing right now.
Praying for mercy on my marriage.
Praying for restoration.
Praying for forgiveness.
Praying for grace, mercy, forgiveness and restoration and reconciliation in another one’s marriage.
G-d heal our hearts and our marriage.
We live on the coast of Texas. Storms are a way of life. We prepare for Hurricane season in the hopes that we do not need to use anything but if we do we are glad we have it. However sometimes we have storms in life that we are not prepared for at all. Storms of sickness, legal issues, finances, or even parenting. When those storms hit they can be rough. You can usually weather them pretty good most days but when they all hit in a “Perfect Storm” life can get rough hard. You find yourself suddenly swept out to sea in this dingy with no life jacket and a Folger’s coffee can (G-d bless the man, woman, or child who discovered this wonderful drink!!) to scoop out the water that is overflowing the sides. The shore has disappered and you can’t see the lighthouse on the shore to guide your way. You know it is there but the light is dimmed because of the rain and waves crashing around you.
That is just a little bit of an idea on how life has been around here as of late. Except our dingy is filled with 4 adults, two teenagers, and one very active toddler. So bear with me as i get back into the swing of blogging. If for no other reason than to let off some steam in this crazy house of mine.