My life…

It’s such a catastrophic mess right now. Trust issues to the point where we slept with pillows between us last night. Financial problems (my fault) to where we might loose our house, insurance cost through his work lowered our income by almost 5k last year, PATH Act means no income return until at least the 15th or later. Kids aren’t speaking to me, ex husband isn’t paying child support, I have kids who need things. Church is non-existant. Felt so alone a few months back and asked for help and none came. But I’m more worried about a place to live. I screwed up big time & I dont know how to fix this. I love this house and can’t move again. 

When does it end

I’m tired of no money, I’m tired of good things coming our way to where we can start to breathe and it being taken away because someone doesn’t like it. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of so many things. I’m tired of my faith being tested on so many levels for so long. 

I’m angry for not being able to provide for the kids. I’m angry for not being able to give the kids things they want. I’m tired of not feeing connected or cared for a church. 

When will it end? I’m starting to not care. I have presents under the tree and all I can see is the bills due next month. So I want to return them all. 

Why us? Why me? All the time…. I hate feeling like a failure. 

To many emotions today. 

Sick…

For 8 months my husband and I have put our lives on hold. Our marriage went on hold, our relationship. Our kids put their lives on hold while we had to deal with the crap shoot of SSI, Medicare/Medicaid, dr visits, special Olympics etc for his mom and sister. 

Now his mom goes to his dad’s for a weekend, comes back pissed off and is leaving, taking his sister from a stable environment and sticking us with a 1295 monthly rent payment. I’m going to be sick.

We have no option but for me to get a job, but how can I get a job with three kids? Their schedules are crazy! We can’t afford daycare. I want to throw up.

G-d help us!!

In the quiet…..

Quiet…. That’s when the questions start. The why? How? When? What? Is it over? The questioning on what we do and how we move forward.

The anger… The advice from people saying leave or she not worth it. Making us question our worth as a couple and as a family. Making him question his worth as a man.

It takes a strong man to stay and work things out. It takes a strong man to walk against convention and the world and fight for his family. To fight for his kids and risk getting hurt again.

I’m not expecting perfection. Our love story isn’t perfect. G-d’s love story with us isn’t perfect either. It’s full of messy broken people, promises and filled with hurt. Our hurting for HIM and HIM hurting for us. It’s a beautiful story of redemption that begins and the foot of a scared tree. Chopped down and torn apart into something painful and tragic. Made beautiful by the love HE has for us.

Amd THAT gives me HOPE!! 

Into the storm…

Yesterday my son asked me why I didn’t try as hard to save my marriage to his biological dad as I am to his step-dad….. Best answer I could come up with was you didn’t want me too. G-d saved us from a horrible situation there & you didn’t want it to work out. Here? Now? This was and still can be a great marriage. Momma just royally messed it all up and it’s going to take a lot of work for us to save it.

Right now that’s prayer. No matter how small the changes are they are still changes. We are still under the same roof, he’s still sleeping in the same room/bed with me. His feelings are justified and I’m dealing with the consequences on a daily basis. 

I deleted people and apps that are issues, I don’t go ANYWHERE alone, my phone is not mine but can be read by anyone. 

Prayer is my armor and I’m ready for my battlefield. I have ladies and people I trust fighting for us in prayer and we will win the war. The battles will be hard and long. But we will win!

Tonight I pray…

I wrote this at 1030pm last night.

He’s mad & hurting. And honestly I can’t blame him. He’s justified in his feelings. 

Tonight I will keep my hands on him and pray.

I pray for his heart and mine too. I pry for our marriage, for our kids. I pray for bitterness to leave. I pray for soft hearts, grace, and mercy.

The bunny in the corner and the two kids not shown give me strength. They are worth fighting for. Our love story is a great one and it’s not over by a long shot!

Our love and life is worth fighting for!!